Buck up.

I finally, convince myself to the fact. The fact of reality. Efforts may not make any sense.

Well, the following content may be another long bluffs of craps that how a fool paid effort for the thing she wants to achieve but ended up nothing, sitting in front of the laptop, wasting all her time in typing these useless remorse into the column, to post, to show people and convince them that she paid her efforts, no matter in what, so that everyone can understand, and give her a pity shade about she encountered. 

Yes I did. But seriously, this is not just a CRAP. I hope these words can help. For those who are struggling for success. 

Sometimes it is just as simple as ABC. What shall we hope for, what shall we want, always become goals at the top of our list. As students, we always want to do the best and get the best in exams, in schools, in teachers' eyes, in lecturers' expectation, in friends' comments. We did study like a robot, like a non-stop working machine, staring at the slides and notes, stuck with the writing table, the place to share all the works of study, meals, study, and short nap, staggering those thick books. For OTHERS. But what for OURSELVES?

Yes I am those type of typically DOING MY BEST IN EXAMS. I used to live in a CRAZY and you can address it as LUNATIC student life before this. That was 4 to 5 years before this. Exams CARRIED their so important roles in my life, and it's like I lived for exams, and I died for exams. Study became the only thing that I concerned. Result was the only thing that I looked for. And yes, those names of good students with good achievements have been tagged with me. Result became the thing that I can be so proud with after those big, small, heavy, light, significant, non-significant exams. And that's the only thing I have. The result.

And everything started to change once I enrolled myself in the Pre-U level. It seems to be a sudden struck that I lost my passion towards this kind of life-being, and I started to love the life of being a light student, a student who started to treat lightly, study lightly, exam lightly, and live lightly as a student, but played heavily, enjoyed hardly, and laughed heartily (Kee, 2012). So that was what I had today, a medium class result (brushing between the border of poor and medium). And I was actually, blessed to get a place in the University, which made me here, on the land I am stepping today.


So this is the first semester of my second year for session 2011/2012. Final exam. Well I thought I could face it, I could pace on it, I could overcome it, with steady steps, with full of preparation, with a clear mind, with those studies ran through the whole night, with those lecture notes being highlighted and added with my own notes without any blanks, with those tiring tears that washed my cheeks off again and again when the dawn of the new day comes, yet I was still staring at my lecture slides, wishing to lay on the bed for maybe an hour but no, so frustrating, so tired, so helpless. I stepped to the exam hall with my confidence, with no expectation, with the most sincere pray that I can at least passed the subject, with the most clear hopes that I could answer all the questions, with those knowledge.


It's like a feel of nausea when I browsed through the questions. Feeling so disgusted with myself, when the keywords of the questions seems to be so familiar, the last page that I flicked through the not just a moment ago, and I confidently told myself that I was able to answer it, coming out with nothing in the brain. It's another sense of disgust for those that I am so well familiar with didn't appear a single word at all checking through the whole leaflet, until the last page of the paper stack. 


My efforts, apparently, do not make any sense. 


It's been a hard noon for me to went through, surrounded and suffocated in the fear of afraid losing the qualification to pass the subject, to mourn for those sleeping hours being burned off, to be shame with my confidence, and to remorse the unfairness within myself. 


To you who are reading this, you may comment and categorized me in the class of foolish, because I am the one who burned off those should-be-leisure time and even spent those should-be-sleeping time just for the 3 hours ended in the examination hall. Yes I am such a fool. Yet this fool is not going to give up upon these silly setbacks. The fool believed that when she did her best in putting her effort in something that become the quests in her life, she will always enjoy the last laugh when everybody despise her throughout the way. The fool believed that there is no point in regretting once she missed the chances given in her life. The fool wants nothing, but just the desired outcomes of her efforts.

Efforts shouldn't be repaid, and nothing can repay efforts.

So being hard through the whole noon, I figured out something. Never compare yourself with others. Never think that you can always get what you want and so you are paying efforts to get it. There is no such thing existed in the world that you will get whatever you want in your life and that's why you paid your efforts. Instead, I learned to appreciate them. Instead of grudging and cursing on what have been strucked, why not we learned and treated them as lesson in life? The papers are not designated for me after all. Lecturers are not assigned to make sure that I passed with flying colors after all. It's my duty to complete those tasks in my academic years, they are my blesses to meet in my learning paths. Appreciate them. And gear on. That's the best way to appreciate your efforts. Do not let them gone in vain. Let them be lighted up again in the next corner of the road, and carry all the blessings and loves that breed inside your heart. 

Efforts may not make any sense. Everything is not making sense without efforts.

So I won't make everything in my life no sense. Stand up, look forward, wipe off the tears, and step on. 

Buck up. 

=')