Decision.

Hi blog! It's been a long time since I left you molding here, without bringing some fresh air for a fresh breath. Here I'm back! Still, I love this little space to spit whatever I wanted to. 

Finally, the knot of all troubles was opened, just a moment ago. I guessed that was what I was failed to gain some sensibility throughout those days, those hours, and how hard I fell asleep through nights, and how frightened they were to be awaken in the early morning.

Red-eyed. Like a rabbit, I made my decision. The ULTIMATE one.

To this, I salute to one that always been the center of all mindful acts, sometimes just went to be too sensible, wild ones, and too tightened by the logic and reality. She gave me a various of notes and voices to be the one, gave me just a simple break for letting me fall hard, to the lowest ground, and being the one who set me up when no one else can do. 

Thank you heart. 

Betrayals originated from mercies and longing kindness. That's the reason why I go against her again and again. Subdued to those so-called REALITY and FAR-TO-REACH. So this time, I tore myself apart.

I see myself in misery, and I am hoping for a long run from her after that.

Blinded. Fooled. By those THEORIES OF BALANCE CREATED, while I tried to catch balance between two poles. I focused all my strengths on catching the ends of the rod, while she slipped away without notifying me. 

The ULTIMATE one. 

Type and typed, I felt a big relieve. A huge relieve.

I am tired, but I am wide awake.

Countless brambles are pricking my feet to keep me going, while I won't bow down to any one of them.

To this, I'll let my tears and blood to wash away the dust of the road, while I will stand to the last, and shine to ground with those scorching rays. 

I know I can. 

I am ready to be destroyed, and destroy.

With faith, I am ready.

The REAL PERSONALITIES.

Alright. It's time for another round of craps. It is just something that I had been wonder for so long, that I had been frightened of the new and brand new changes of some of my friends after we bade the last farewell during the last semester break. It's like bade the kind farewell to those that I used to know. In the big shock, but accepted it with tiny mind change

Like pulling out the angels from their minds, but inserting demons inside their souls. But I choose to put a definition on them, so that I can interact with those demons living inside of their still bodies well. REAL PERSONALITIES. 

So when you are kicking on a coin that you saw alongside the road, there will be two voices in your head, torturing you, tearing your brain apart, and what you are doing is, maybe, squat down, staring at the coin, put the finger cross, cried maybe, for not disobeying your conscience, get your eyes wide opened, listened to that two voices, 

"Leave it on the floor so that you won't add weight to your wallet." Says the Angel.

"Kicking it like how you did so that nobody will discover it and so to kill your boredom when you are walking along this street to meet your honey. Egoism makes you looked perfect." Says the Demon. 

And you shall wonder, since when Angel and Demon became the best partners. They will work hand in hand together when you saw 100 bucks note. The REAL PERSONALITIES. XDXDXDXD

Just for gags anyway. 

So I am actually considering of writing a paper of two maybe, to the Discovery Channel suggestion box, and waiting for the nominations of my suggestions, of introducing a programme, get the best photographer to shoot, get the best habitats as the venues of shooting, and the best leading characters for the programme, MANKIND, to introduce their changing of tempers along with growth, their reactions towards temptations from different angles and people, their choices made towards lives, and those they called loves and being loved. I must write in the best professions in analyzing up their brain waves. Imagine those beautiful and charming roles, like the life cycle of a beetle, being brought under the shot, not artistic and scientific, but ugly and stupid. 

Thereby, there's a big group of people, perhaps your own pet doggie, feeling curious, staring at the TV, seeing you courting your partner for life to reproduce the next generation. That should be interesting!

So by following the programme, you are able to see different, but some unexplainable facts that being observed by a person. If I am given a post as the script-writer, I will put the quadrat sampling first started in my campus, the most curious environment that I lived in since I left home. Just like how the experiments and observations get done, the invisibles quadrat sampling blocks will be located, one in the lecture hall, one in the office, one in the hostel, one in the shopping center near to the hostel, so on and so forth. Results will be collected after one month maybe, and the marked organisms moving within the areas of the quadrat will be observed, and recorded. Of course, wild dogs and cats are counted in.

So one month after the semester break, when I says hello and smiles to few objects within my quadrat, I take the pen and paper to record what has been observed. To make this looked alike with the real programme, I am now getting one of my notebook, known as MIND, flip and flop, to find those records inside. So this is my result obtained:

Quadrat 1

Location: Lecture hall

Observation: Someone seems to misunderstood what is the meaning of waving hands and smiles. They are obviously not the signs of running away from the object who carry out these actions. This group is showing the great charcoal face to the friendly signs, and termed as the FRIENDSHIP TERMINATOR. The other group however, maintain their levels of passionate towards friends, smiling and also their functions as the friendly joker in schools, to bring cheers, laughter, and joys into the boring study environment. This group is termed as the FRIENDSHIP RETAINER. 

Quadrat 2

Location: School

Observation: Physical appearance changes are negligible in the above experiment. But indeed, some groups are growing prettier and prettier, and the investigations are being carried out to them. By introducing the answer sheets of 100% of the investigation, 99% returned answered the best make-up brand to use, that is SMILE. So we find various ways to get to the brand, and found that 98% of the SMILE users are introduced by some agents, known as KIND, CONCERNING, GENEROSITY, GORGEOUS, HAPPY INSIDE, SELF-CONTENTMENT, and also SELF-CONFIDENCE. These group is profiled as the HAPPINESS PIONEER. Another group being observed, the EGO RETAILER, has been observed that they grown to be uglier in the community, and less interactive in the population. They choose to see only themselves, talk to themselves, and ruin the relationships built among them with others. Through observations, we tailed objects in this group, and found that they have been influenced by some factors, such as BACKSTABBERS, LIARS, RUMORS and RELATIONSHIP RUINERS. Some even wear the brand of UNKNOWN SOURCE OF CONFIDENCE and thereby, speak those untrue, exaggerate, showing-off and cheating to those showing their true hearts. 

Quadrat 3

Location: Hostel

Observation: In this area of study, we found interesting variable, controlling the result of observations studied. Manipulating variable has been concluded to include factors such as cleanliness of the environment, reactions of house- and roommates when dirt comes, presence of some stupid, (Sorry harsh word, should be naive) and kind-hearted residents, usual habits and the degree of convenience of the surrounding. The responding variables obtained, including factors of few, such as the action of some clean advocators, self-perpetuation of those silly actors, cleaning efficiency of the willing VOLUNTEERS, and the amount of grudges being voiced out by those stupid (sorry harsh word again, should be naive) and kind-hearted residents. Meanwhile, controlling variables collected from the above experiment are the selfishness, frustration, self-hypnotize of those willing VOLUNTEERS, degree of cleanliness after the cleaning works, cheers in the house when works are done, and appreciation given by CERTAIN residents that appreciate the works done. So those being selfish continues their selfishness, those being foolish continue to self-hypnotizing.

So the 3 quadrats have been observed. The more should come, but before we sentenced them with certain kinds of charge, before pin-pointing out the certain one with "YOU ARE GUILTY”, these objects are given a new chance to change their habits and brought to the shot with a good side. 

Ending scene of the show: Spare people a chance, and yourself. Thank you for watching. Stay tune for the next episode. 

Preview of the next: Exposing the ugliness of MANKIND. 

=)

All rights reserved. Any similarity is purely coincidental.

Background music:

* We are the World - Micheal Jackson*

So how is it? All about the REAL PERSONALITIES. =)

Hey watch out! You are under the shot!!!

 

Buck up.

I finally, convince myself to the fact. The fact of reality. Efforts may not make any sense.

Well, the following content may be another long bluffs of craps that how a fool paid effort for the thing she wants to achieve but ended up nothing, sitting in front of the laptop, wasting all her time in typing these useless remorse into the column, to post, to show people and convince them that she paid her efforts, no matter in what, so that everyone can understand, and give her a pity shade about she encountered. 

Yes I did. But seriously, this is not just a CRAP. I hope these words can help. For those who are struggling for success. 

Sometimes it is just as simple as ABC. What shall we hope for, what shall we want, always become goals at the top of our list. As students, we always want to do the best and get the best in exams, in schools, in teachers' eyes, in lecturers' expectation, in friends' comments. We did study like a robot, like a non-stop working machine, staring at the slides and notes, stuck with the writing table, the place to share all the works of study, meals, study, and short nap, staggering those thick books. For OTHERS. But what for OURSELVES?

Yes I am those type of typically DOING MY BEST IN EXAMS. I used to live in a CRAZY and you can address it as LUNATIC student life before this. That was 4 to 5 years before this. Exams CARRIED their so important roles in my life, and it's like I lived for exams, and I died for exams. Study became the only thing that I concerned. Result was the only thing that I looked for. And yes, those names of good students with good achievements have been tagged with me. Result became the thing that I can be so proud with after those big, small, heavy, light, significant, non-significant exams. And that's the only thing I have. The result.

And everything started to change once I enrolled myself in the Pre-U level. It seems to be a sudden struck that I lost my passion towards this kind of life-being, and I started to love the life of being a light student, a student who started to treat lightly, study lightly, exam lightly, and live lightly as a student, but played heavily, enjoyed hardly, and laughed heartily (Kee, 2012). So that was what I had today, a medium class result (brushing between the border of poor and medium). And I was actually, blessed to get a place in the University, which made me here, on the land I am stepping today.


So this is the first semester of my second year for session 2011/2012. Final exam. Well I thought I could face it, I could pace on it, I could overcome it, with steady steps, with full of preparation, with a clear mind, with those studies ran through the whole night, with those lecture notes being highlighted and added with my own notes without any blanks, with those tiring tears that washed my cheeks off again and again when the dawn of the new day comes, yet I was still staring at my lecture slides, wishing to lay on the bed for maybe an hour but no, so frustrating, so tired, so helpless. I stepped to the exam hall with my confidence, with no expectation, with the most sincere pray that I can at least passed the subject, with the most clear hopes that I could answer all the questions, with those knowledge.


It's like a feel of nausea when I browsed through the questions. Feeling so disgusted with myself, when the keywords of the questions seems to be so familiar, the last page that I flicked through the not just a moment ago, and I confidently told myself that I was able to answer it, coming out with nothing in the brain. It's another sense of disgust for those that I am so well familiar with didn't appear a single word at all checking through the whole leaflet, until the last page of the paper stack. 


My efforts, apparently, do not make any sense. 


It's been a hard noon for me to went through, surrounded and suffocated in the fear of afraid losing the qualification to pass the subject, to mourn for those sleeping hours being burned off, to be shame with my confidence, and to remorse the unfairness within myself. 


To you who are reading this, you may comment and categorized me in the class of foolish, because I am the one who burned off those should-be-leisure time and even spent those should-be-sleeping time just for the 3 hours ended in the examination hall. Yes I am such a fool. Yet this fool is not going to give up upon these silly setbacks. The fool believed that when she did her best in putting her effort in something that become the quests in her life, she will always enjoy the last laugh when everybody despise her throughout the way. The fool believed that there is no point in regretting once she missed the chances given in her life. The fool wants nothing, but just the desired outcomes of her efforts.

Efforts shouldn't be repaid, and nothing can repay efforts.

So being hard through the whole noon, I figured out something. Never compare yourself with others. Never think that you can always get what you want and so you are paying efforts to get it. There is no such thing existed in the world that you will get whatever you want in your life and that's why you paid your efforts. Instead, I learned to appreciate them. Instead of grudging and cursing on what have been strucked, why not we learned and treated them as lesson in life? The papers are not designated for me after all. Lecturers are not assigned to make sure that I passed with flying colors after all. It's my duty to complete those tasks in my academic years, they are my blesses to meet in my learning paths. Appreciate them. And gear on. That's the best way to appreciate your efforts. Do not let them gone in vain. Let them be lighted up again in the next corner of the road, and carry all the blessings and loves that breed inside your heart. 

Efforts may not make any sense. Everything is not making sense without efforts.

So I won't make everything in my life no sense. Stand up, look forward, wipe off the tears, and step on. 

Buck up. 

=')