Mad Enthusianism.

First of all, I am generating a deep, deep ever apologize to everyone, sorry for covering my blog's wall with so cloudy, and emotional posts recently. Writing blogs for me now, is an activity of DESTRESSING and RELEASING. This is the only site for me to face the real-self, the true soul, where I can be showing up no smiles whenever I don't wish to do so, or even, tears come. I don't ever remember when was the last time when I laugh hastily just what I used to be. 

THE MOST DEVASTATING IS, WHEN YOU FACE YOURSELF ALONE. IT IS DARK, LONELY, SCARY, AND DEPRESSED. 

Facing all the SUCKS and FAKING acts in front of me, yet I have to SMILE at every appealing faces. I am quite annoyed with myself actually. It is totally annoying, desperate and distorting. You will never know what it feels like WHEN YOU HEARD SOMETHING BAD AND AWFUL, YET YOU ARE FAKING A SMILE FOR IT. Forgive me if I do use any harsh word, although I controlled myself hard to stop trash of harsh words ran out from my lips.

I have a weird habit, which has been practiced since my arrival to Sabah. Whenever I feels bad or something, I like to capture pictures of sky and lights. It feels like, I gave everything to the sky, my bothers, my troubles, my problems, and all the tears to the sky, and SHE gives me something back, which reminds me to SMILE. When the raindrops fall, well, I will just console myself as, SHE is sending something back for me as a return to heal my wounds. 

I am so tired to face everything here sometimes, especially WHEN ALL THE FAKES COME. In fact, I amend my way since I was detached from my dad's and mum's hugs. Why should I? Because I know I should. Because I know I have to. Because I know it's time for me to change. I change, and I changed. I tried hard to fit into the environment, and the luckiest of me is, I managed to establish m own kingdom in the troupes, and I am so LUCKY to own a group of friends. But slowly, when time is tickling away, when the cloud starts to shade off and the real side of the Sun is appearing, I started to know that EVERYTHING IS NOT SO EASY AS IMAGINED. Freaky, isn't it?


It is so HARD and TORTURE to endure something that you don't want to. I amend my bad and hot temper, just so as to fit myself in a brand new environment, I even captivated the old-self of me out, the so bad-tempered, and scolding me out of nothing all, without paying a consideration to other factors, the one who has been mollycoddled by parents and family, the former and useless KEE KEAT YING, has been captivated. I changed a brand new style of me, yet there is still somthing made me really annoyed and exasperate. WHAT SHOULD I DO? Should I freed out the old-self of me out? ENDURANCE MEANS NOTHING NOW. I am enduring, I am suffocating, and I am torturing, but I am NOT BENEFITING! It is so unfair to me, and it should be the time for me to cry myself out.


WHEN YOU KEEP SAYING NOTHING TO YOURSELF, ACTUALLY, IT IS SOMETHING INDEED HIDING IN YOUR SOUL AND TELLING YOU, "STUPID AND SILLY."

Who is caring on my feelings? Who knows actually the stupid and silly-looked girl, who only knows to laugh her heart our, eat full, and sleep warm actually needs somebody to care about her feelings? EXTREMELY, SUFFOCATE. I am dwelling in my old soul, I know it is harsh, but, IT WAS THE BEST WEAPON TO CAMOUFLAGE MYSELF OUT. I know the old-self of me should not be the way for me to protect myself, against every threats, but, indeed, it is useful for stopping and halting those whoever tries to hurt me. 


Tell me what should I do. Awaking me up, before I am flooded away by the loss.