Decision.

Hi blog! It's been a long time since I left you molding here, without bringing some fresh air for a fresh breath. Here I'm back! Still, I love this little space to spit whatever I wanted to. 

Finally, the knot of all troubles was opened, just a moment ago. I guessed that was what I was failed to gain some sensibility throughout those days, those hours, and how hard I fell asleep through nights, and how frightened they were to be awaken in the early morning.

Red-eyed. Like a rabbit, I made my decision. The ULTIMATE one.

To this, I salute to one that always been the center of all mindful acts, sometimes just went to be too sensible, wild ones, and too tightened by the logic and reality. She gave me a various of notes and voices to be the one, gave me just a simple break for letting me fall hard, to the lowest ground, and being the one who set me up when no one else can do. 

Thank you heart. 

Betrayals originated from mercies and longing kindness. That's the reason why I go against her again and again. Subdued to those so-called REALITY and FAR-TO-REACH. So this time, I tore myself apart.

I see myself in misery, and I am hoping for a long run from her after that.

Blinded. Fooled. By those THEORIES OF BALANCE CREATED, while I tried to catch balance between two poles. I focused all my strengths on catching the ends of the rod, while she slipped away without notifying me. 

The ULTIMATE one. 

Type and typed, I felt a big relieve. A huge relieve.

I am tired, but I am wide awake.

Countless brambles are pricking my feet to keep me going, while I won't bow down to any one of them.

To this, I'll let my tears and blood to wash away the dust of the road, while I will stand to the last, and shine to ground with those scorching rays. 

I know I can. 

I am ready to be destroyed, and destroy.

With faith, I am ready.

The REAL PERSONALITIES.

Alright. It's time for another round of craps. It is just something that I had been wonder for so long, that I had been frightened of the new and brand new changes of some of my friends after we bade the last farewell during the last semester break. It's like bade the kind farewell to those that I used to know. In the big shock, but accepted it with tiny mind change

Like pulling out the angels from their minds, but inserting demons inside their souls. But I choose to put a definition on them, so that I can interact with those demons living inside of their still bodies well. REAL PERSONALITIES. 

So when you are kicking on a coin that you saw alongside the road, there will be two voices in your head, torturing you, tearing your brain apart, and what you are doing is, maybe, squat down, staring at the coin, put the finger cross, cried maybe, for not disobeying your conscience, get your eyes wide opened, listened to that two voices, 

"Leave it on the floor so that you won't add weight to your wallet." Says the Angel.

"Kicking it like how you did so that nobody will discover it and so to kill your boredom when you are walking along this street to meet your honey. Egoism makes you looked perfect." Says the Demon. 

And you shall wonder, since when Angel and Demon became the best partners. They will work hand in hand together when you saw 100 bucks note. The REAL PERSONALITIES. XDXDXDXD

Just for gags anyway. 

So I am actually considering of writing a paper of two maybe, to the Discovery Channel suggestion box, and waiting for the nominations of my suggestions, of introducing a programme, get the best photographer to shoot, get the best habitats as the venues of shooting, and the best leading characters for the programme, MANKIND, to introduce their changing of tempers along with growth, their reactions towards temptations from different angles and people, their choices made towards lives, and those they called loves and being loved. I must write in the best professions in analyzing up their brain waves. Imagine those beautiful and charming roles, like the life cycle of a beetle, being brought under the shot, not artistic and scientific, but ugly and stupid. 

Thereby, there's a big group of people, perhaps your own pet doggie, feeling curious, staring at the TV, seeing you courting your partner for life to reproduce the next generation. That should be interesting!

So by following the programme, you are able to see different, but some unexplainable facts that being observed by a person. If I am given a post as the script-writer, I will put the quadrat sampling first started in my campus, the most curious environment that I lived in since I left home. Just like how the experiments and observations get done, the invisibles quadrat sampling blocks will be located, one in the lecture hall, one in the office, one in the hostel, one in the shopping center near to the hostel, so on and so forth. Results will be collected after one month maybe, and the marked organisms moving within the areas of the quadrat will be observed, and recorded. Of course, wild dogs and cats are counted in.

So one month after the semester break, when I says hello and smiles to few objects within my quadrat, I take the pen and paper to record what has been observed. To make this looked alike with the real programme, I am now getting one of my notebook, known as MIND, flip and flop, to find those records inside. So this is my result obtained:

Quadrat 1

Location: Lecture hall

Observation: Someone seems to misunderstood what is the meaning of waving hands and smiles. They are obviously not the signs of running away from the object who carry out these actions. This group is showing the great charcoal face to the friendly signs, and termed as the FRIENDSHIP TERMINATOR. The other group however, maintain their levels of passionate towards friends, smiling and also their functions as the friendly joker in schools, to bring cheers, laughter, and joys into the boring study environment. This group is termed as the FRIENDSHIP RETAINER. 

Quadrat 2

Location: School

Observation: Physical appearance changes are negligible in the above experiment. But indeed, some groups are growing prettier and prettier, and the investigations are being carried out to them. By introducing the answer sheets of 100% of the investigation, 99% returned answered the best make-up brand to use, that is SMILE. So we find various ways to get to the brand, and found that 98% of the SMILE users are introduced by some agents, known as KIND, CONCERNING, GENEROSITY, GORGEOUS, HAPPY INSIDE, SELF-CONTENTMENT, and also SELF-CONFIDENCE. These group is profiled as the HAPPINESS PIONEER. Another group being observed, the EGO RETAILER, has been observed that they grown to be uglier in the community, and less interactive in the population. They choose to see only themselves, talk to themselves, and ruin the relationships built among them with others. Through observations, we tailed objects in this group, and found that they have been influenced by some factors, such as BACKSTABBERS, LIARS, RUMORS and RELATIONSHIP RUINERS. Some even wear the brand of UNKNOWN SOURCE OF CONFIDENCE and thereby, speak those untrue, exaggerate, showing-off and cheating to those showing their true hearts. 

Quadrat 3

Location: Hostel

Observation: In this area of study, we found interesting variable, controlling the result of observations studied. Manipulating variable has been concluded to include factors such as cleanliness of the environment, reactions of house- and roommates when dirt comes, presence of some stupid, (Sorry harsh word, should be naive) and kind-hearted residents, usual habits and the degree of convenience of the surrounding. The responding variables obtained, including factors of few, such as the action of some clean advocators, self-perpetuation of those silly actors, cleaning efficiency of the willing VOLUNTEERS, and the amount of grudges being voiced out by those stupid (sorry harsh word again, should be naive) and kind-hearted residents. Meanwhile, controlling variables collected from the above experiment are the selfishness, frustration, self-hypnotize of those willing VOLUNTEERS, degree of cleanliness after the cleaning works, cheers in the house when works are done, and appreciation given by CERTAIN residents that appreciate the works done. So those being selfish continues their selfishness, those being foolish continue to self-hypnotizing.

So the 3 quadrats have been observed. The more should come, but before we sentenced them with certain kinds of charge, before pin-pointing out the certain one with "YOU ARE GUILTY”, these objects are given a new chance to change their habits and brought to the shot with a good side. 

Ending scene of the show: Spare people a chance, and yourself. Thank you for watching. Stay tune for the next episode. 

Preview of the next: Exposing the ugliness of MANKIND. 

=)

All rights reserved. Any similarity is purely coincidental.

Background music:

* We are the World - Micheal Jackson*

So how is it? All about the REAL PERSONALITIES. =)

Hey watch out! You are under the shot!!!

 

Buck up.

I finally, convince myself to the fact. The fact of reality. Efforts may not make any sense.

Well, the following content may be another long bluffs of craps that how a fool paid effort for the thing she wants to achieve but ended up nothing, sitting in front of the laptop, wasting all her time in typing these useless remorse into the column, to post, to show people and convince them that she paid her efforts, no matter in what, so that everyone can understand, and give her a pity shade about she encountered. 

Yes I did. But seriously, this is not just a CRAP. I hope these words can help. For those who are struggling for success. 

Sometimes it is just as simple as ABC. What shall we hope for, what shall we want, always become goals at the top of our list. As students, we always want to do the best and get the best in exams, in schools, in teachers' eyes, in lecturers' expectation, in friends' comments. We did study like a robot, like a non-stop working machine, staring at the slides and notes, stuck with the writing table, the place to share all the works of study, meals, study, and short nap, staggering those thick books. For OTHERS. But what for OURSELVES?

Yes I am those type of typically DOING MY BEST IN EXAMS. I used to live in a CRAZY and you can address it as LUNATIC student life before this. That was 4 to 5 years before this. Exams CARRIED their so important roles in my life, and it's like I lived for exams, and I died for exams. Study became the only thing that I concerned. Result was the only thing that I looked for. And yes, those names of good students with good achievements have been tagged with me. Result became the thing that I can be so proud with after those big, small, heavy, light, significant, non-significant exams. And that's the only thing I have. The result.

And everything started to change once I enrolled myself in the Pre-U level. It seems to be a sudden struck that I lost my passion towards this kind of life-being, and I started to love the life of being a light student, a student who started to treat lightly, study lightly, exam lightly, and live lightly as a student, but played heavily, enjoyed hardly, and laughed heartily (Kee, 2012). So that was what I had today, a medium class result (brushing between the border of poor and medium). And I was actually, blessed to get a place in the University, which made me here, on the land I am stepping today.


So this is the first semester of my second year for session 2011/2012. Final exam. Well I thought I could face it, I could pace on it, I could overcome it, with steady steps, with full of preparation, with a clear mind, with those studies ran through the whole night, with those lecture notes being highlighted and added with my own notes without any blanks, with those tiring tears that washed my cheeks off again and again when the dawn of the new day comes, yet I was still staring at my lecture slides, wishing to lay on the bed for maybe an hour but no, so frustrating, so tired, so helpless. I stepped to the exam hall with my confidence, with no expectation, with the most sincere pray that I can at least passed the subject, with the most clear hopes that I could answer all the questions, with those knowledge.


It's like a feel of nausea when I browsed through the questions. Feeling so disgusted with myself, when the keywords of the questions seems to be so familiar, the last page that I flicked through the not just a moment ago, and I confidently told myself that I was able to answer it, coming out with nothing in the brain. It's another sense of disgust for those that I am so well familiar with didn't appear a single word at all checking through the whole leaflet, until the last page of the paper stack. 


My efforts, apparently, do not make any sense. 


It's been a hard noon for me to went through, surrounded and suffocated in the fear of afraid losing the qualification to pass the subject, to mourn for those sleeping hours being burned off, to be shame with my confidence, and to remorse the unfairness within myself. 


To you who are reading this, you may comment and categorized me in the class of foolish, because I am the one who burned off those should-be-leisure time and even spent those should-be-sleeping time just for the 3 hours ended in the examination hall. Yes I am such a fool. Yet this fool is not going to give up upon these silly setbacks. The fool believed that when she did her best in putting her effort in something that become the quests in her life, she will always enjoy the last laugh when everybody despise her throughout the way. The fool believed that there is no point in regretting once she missed the chances given in her life. The fool wants nothing, but just the desired outcomes of her efforts.

Efforts shouldn't be repaid, and nothing can repay efforts.

So being hard through the whole noon, I figured out something. Never compare yourself with others. Never think that you can always get what you want and so you are paying efforts to get it. There is no such thing existed in the world that you will get whatever you want in your life and that's why you paid your efforts. Instead, I learned to appreciate them. Instead of grudging and cursing on what have been strucked, why not we learned and treated them as lesson in life? The papers are not designated for me after all. Lecturers are not assigned to make sure that I passed with flying colors after all. It's my duty to complete those tasks in my academic years, they are my blesses to meet in my learning paths. Appreciate them. And gear on. That's the best way to appreciate your efforts. Do not let them gone in vain. Let them be lighted up again in the next corner of the road, and carry all the blessings and loves that breed inside your heart. 

Efforts may not make any sense. Everything is not making sense without efforts.

So I won't make everything in my life no sense. Stand up, look forward, wipe off the tears, and step on. 

Buck up. 

=')

 

When it comes to the end, of this semester.

It seems to be the last century's when I left my last piece of word from the last post. Well. Mr. Laze has been complimented most of my precious LEISURE time. Just staring at the ceiling wall, rolling around the bed, dumb toying with my furry little Eeyore, other than catching the NEVER-FINISH-LECTURES aka NOTES sessions.

The so-called true university life of a classical student. 


Wait. I am sick of being ordinary. 

So the correct sequence of those boring-like incidents towards others but absolutely the biggest fun of me during this semester were so sweet, and too, left me some remarkable signs in my life. At least, I am not a worm which crawling in between the lines, fed on the flick flack of the pages, and stuffed inside the heavy stack of paper, and finally flying back to home, transformed to a couched potato again, and finally realized, "HUH?! I FINISHED ANOTHER SEMESTER IN U!"


This is 9:49 pm, and a sudden hit of writing sense, and so I left my Molecular Nutrition and Accounting Principle handouts aside, and spent those FIGHTING times to type, to write, and to make sure that I am still alive. I am so sorry to say (I hope my parents won't strangle me to die when they saw this), I was just studying and living like a corpse, without emotions in the eyes, and robotic hand-writing action like those metal toy being set to chop on the PAPER and BALL PEN monster, and ass stuck on the chair, never leave there besides toilet. And I hate them so well.


Opppsss! It's study week. And the GRAND FINALE is just a few days away. 


It signifies the end of the semester. So boys and girls, I spent the first semester of my second year of campus life for about 4 months. For those who read this while at the same time having the same fate with me, studying like a zombie for the final exam, let's spend some time for this. What have you done for these 4 months? Is the coming holiday made you extremely excited that you finally able to leave this HAUNTED PLACE where those entangling ghost who named LECTURERS and spooky dirty things which called MID TERMS, QUIZ, LECTURES, ADDITIONAL CLASSES and FINAL EXAM? Or, are you really happy with yourself that you spent a meaningful semester in your place with your love, with your friends, visited some interesting places where you never been there before? 

So there will be two types of reaction when you are sitting in the plane, flying back to home.(Or riding in the car, on the bumpy road, heading to home)

The first. "PHEWWWW!!! Finally came to the end!!!"

Or the second. "HMMMM!!!! Why it just came to an end?!!!"


And mine, will be the second. (To be honest, I will shout the first when I was released from the exam hall)


I seen through many kinds of different things during the semester. And I am so glad that I see them, and I seen them. It seems like I am more and more qualified to be categorized in the group of high EQ, since I was out of my own law, to persevere something I never tried before (Although those SWEET damn things well deserved the curse and I did it in my heart  =P). I was so surprisingly found that I was able to control my emotion in a right way, on a right time. Good. Applause to me myself. 


And I visited somme interesting places that are so famous as the tourism hotspot. I am thankful because I was able to see the beauty of some natural places in my own country. And the very lovely Mother Nature. Breathing the fresh and sweet air, standing in the fresh and cold wind that was so refreshing, so rejuvenating, so touched, and so quiet. The silence inside, besides the melody of the heartbeat. I started to love the place, since it was under the same name shared with that of my hometown country, yet so different.


And this is 10:13 pm, I am still sitting in front of the cold screen, reviewing those warm scenes playing in my mind, reminding me how grateful that I am able to spend this semester with those who loved me, and who I loved. I still set those Human Nutrition and Food Chemistry's slides aside. 

Changing a new living environment, from the hostel to that out of the school compound, I learned to understand more about independence, and too, out of my habits, out of my surprise, I am able to walk back and forth the school almost everyday! It's not a short route, yet not a long way to go. BUT, still, it is tiring. And I walked!! I walked almost everyday!!! 

Life is a long way journey. To see different things, you must take the different path, although in the same old, you are heading for the same destination. Views do change. And those people you met, do changing too. =)


And to pass one of the subject, I was grouped with 10 other classmates, to set up a business, to run it for two days!!! Thanks to my strong throat, that able to let me stand for two days, shouting non stop, talking non stop! And I was so so so happy and thankful that, I handled and ran a big hand of money without any mistake for at least two months!! It was not the first time for me to do a stall business anyway, but it was a brand new experience for me to do it with those members that were not chosen by me myself, and I was so happy inside to know about the real being of some members. Congrats to the girls, who run under the sun, who shout in the crowd of people, who did their best in promoting the things. I appreciate every drop of those sweats, the signs of the efforts. =)


People are practical in front of money, power and face problem. But truly I seen some and they always remind me that, those pride are being built, not by the money, but by how you treat those efforts you paid, and those efforts people paid. =)

For the starting of the semester, out of the surprise, I want to generate those uncountable thanks to someone that gave me a helping hand, when I was in need. Thank you girl (you know who you are), willingly to share you bed with me when I was facing the problem of accommodation. It was been extremely hard for you, I know, to share one single bed with me, and your place, your table, and I made your life to be quite hard during the time. You have been so kind to me that you even keep me with you so that I was not in the need to sleep at the bus stop. And thank you girl (you know who you are too), to immediately informed me about the empty place in your room so that I can jeopardized it so well and so nice. Thanks for the caring. I won't forget those laughs we laugh, those crazy craps we talked, those foods we cooked, those clothes we washed, all in together. Thank you girls (you should know who you are), who accompanying me along the way, no matter those hours we spent in the school, in the outings, in the hunting of nice food, in the KTV, in crapping all the way in FACEBOOK, in everything that we had together, in paying attention to my health, in giving me encouragements, in accompanying to put off the raging flames that burnt within me when unfairness stroke. Those loves paid by all of you, I repay you with my all my heart too, and endless appreciations.


Thank you the one (you absolutely know who you are), for siding me when I unfairness stroke, when I need a channel to let off all the angers within me, for comforting me during those times where I felt so helpless and lonely. You have been so patience towards this sicked patient where her heart was being hurt. There's a way to tell you the way that I appreciated you in my life, that
is, FORGET the bites (Hereby you may bang your head to the wall if you don't know who you are).


This is 10:27 pm and I haven't finish and don't want to finish too, to write and to type. Do bear for a little while Food Analysis and Japanese lecture notes. Here comes my sweetest family. Thank you Daddy and Mummy. Deep in my heart I knew that you loved me much, and same do I. I want to be he daughter who can always make you proud of yourself, proud of your loves towards this girl, proud of your efforts to educate her, to bring her to this journey of heading to another level of her life. You are the best in my life. I love you much my daddy and my mummy. I prayed, and I wish for your longevity, so that one day I am holding your hands to tour around the world, to those places that you looked forward for the whole life. 


Thank you dear sisters, for the caring, bearing, crazing, and concerning about your little sis. I know well that I deserved all the loves from you since I am the cutest, the kindest, the most awesome, the well-talented, the sweetest, and the one who always make you laugh and happy!! =P So please continue to shower me with love (I don't mind they are in moneytary form anyway), and I know I will suffocate without you girls! (Of course I will  XP) And too the ABOUT-TO-BE-BROTHER-IN-LAW, I know I have the rights to be loved by you too other than my sis, since I may been the most interesting person in your life!! Love me with all your heart please (oooopsss, it should be my ABOUT-TO-MARRY sis)!   =D


I hope I won't be bashed to hell when they read this. But this is just the way that I loved people around me. 


So I do bucked up, and I will buck up, to be a responsible CORPSE, but at the same time, to be a student, who learns, who enjoys, who does her best, who tries the new challenges, and who flexible in every walks of life!!! 

And this is 23:00 pm, and I am about the publish the post. Going back to the Nutritions, the Accounting, the Food, the Language.


I enjoyed my semester well. Have you?


=)


P.S.: New Year is just around the corner. Happy New Year!!! Trust me, 2012 will not be the ending of the world, but a brand new start to those HAPPY AND LUCKY PEOPLE!!! yayyyyyyy!!!!

朋友，我们共勉之。

送給你，朋友。。

不想承認，不想看清，不想看透，不想識破，

但，這就是心痛的感覺啊。

原來，武裝的堅強下面，那個心碎是那麼地不堪一擊；

原來，偽裝的歡笑裏面，那股自尊是那麼低微不足道；

原來，一切就是一場夢，就算再美，醒來了，一切就回到了原點。

原來，我們，都那麼不捨。

你試圖在他的掌心上，寫上自己的名字，

他卻狠狠地把你推開，

拋下你的真心，打碎你的尊嚴，沒收你的勇氣，

而留給你的，就只有四個殘忍至極的字--《一廂情願》。

而你滿地找回那些新的碎片，還默默拼湊《自作多情》的拼圖，

擁抱自己的無助，還原自己最不想掉下的眼淚。

殊不知那所謂的一廂情願有多麼地高貴！

殊不知拿所謂的自作多情有多麼地真誠！

在他冷漠地轉身之後，他留給你的，是追得到，但捉不著的背影。

他偶爾回頭，給你一記莫須的微笑，

你殘忍地吞噬自己的委屈，追逐著他捉摸不定的影子。

日出到了，你被刺眼的陽光刺傷也在所不惜，

日落來了，你被消失的無影無蹤的影子困在黑暗里也毫無懼怕，

就只希望，他能回過頭來，看看你。

但殊不知，你已用力，狠狠地在自己的心上，

一筆，一筆地畫上他的名字，抹，也抹不掉。

當他的寬容來到了最後一分鐘，你對自己說要放手，

你還來不及鬆開你的指頭，

他卻用力地將你推開，

讓你跌個粉身碎骨，讓你跌個措手不及。

但，心的痛，才是最致命的痛。

你軟弱無助地決定振作，但身邊的人都鄙視你的堅強，

你傷痕累累地向人求救，但身邊的人都冷眼相向，

只有你自己，添自己的傷口，嘗到滿口的腥甜，

才徒然清醒。

原來，我們都在等待，等待一個沒有回報的答案。

原來，我們都在等待，等待一個別人都當成理所當然的真心。

原來，我們還在期待，期待一個到最後只讓我們更絕望的等待。

原來，一切，都是我們的自以為。

不敢再奢望，因為我們連僅有的希望到了最後都被通通殲滅，

不敢再期盼，因為我們連僅剩的勇氣到了最後留都必須留給自己，

來為下一次，還有下下一次振作。

原來，我們，都那麼可悲。

到了最後，我們笑了。

因為我們學會了，明白了，成長了，包容了，

自己，學會愛自己了。

而你，是時候抹去那一道漂亮的疤痕，是時候擦去幹掉的淚跡，

重生之後，打開心房，再一次，讓珍惜這顆脆弱的心房的他，

走進來。

加油吧，我的朋友。

祝福你。

Just a short Quote.

It's okay to be afraid of losing the person that you really care. 
你无需面对失去一个你在乎的人的恐惧，

But it's not okay if the person doesn't care of losing you at all. 
但真正的恐惧是那个人一点都不在乎是否失去你。

 
      

Man.

Mankind is a kind of biological moving animal that do had extraordinary evolution and development, in their four limbs movement functions, the surviving abilities, and too, the logically thinking skills. 

We are good in telling people what should they do, but we don't normally do as what we want people to do. 

We loved to make us brilliant by not doing any mistakes, but we did mistakes and became brilliant from them.

We agreed delaying and dragging will spoil our own life, but we used to spoil some of the little but mean matters in life by delays and drags. 

We need somebody there for us when the troubles come, but we don't perform well to be that somebody when we are approached. 

We said we wanted to learn, but we acted like we don't want to learn. 

We said SORRY sometimes because of asking for the forgiving, but we don't realized our mistakes, and most  of the time, we are not feeling sorry for our wrongly actions at all.

We felt SORRY sometimes because of a self punishment to ourselves due to the surrounding factors, but we don't do what should we do to compensate what had been done. 

We said THANKS sometimes because we wanted people to accept our gratitude, but not because of generating gratitude. 

We said THANKS sometimes because to ease ourselves from guilty, but we are not guilty to accept any kinds of gratitude and generosity from others. 
 
We pointed and blamed on the others when we met failures, but we don't know that we fell because of we are stepping on our own toes.

We tell ourselves to be hardly cry, but we cried hard. 

We smiled from crying when we are small, but we cried from smiling when we faced the world. 

We said we wanted to mend our ways once mistakes did, and we SAID them again and again when mistakes do come again and again.


We grudged to not receiving any blessings, but we did not bless others, not even a THANK YOU told when we are blessed. 


Weird. Right?


But that's MAN.